The Modern's Man Guide To Ettiquete

Chatting about etiquette in 2017 seems a quite old-fashioned concept, like courtship, landline telephones and Orkut. However, in an age when even the President of the United States grabs pussy without permission, it’s more important than ever.

If character was the root of inner self, then manners were the outer fruits that sprouted from the tree – the external behaviors and code of conduct that naturally followed from a life of virtue.

With that indelible image in mind, this is a guide to manners for the modern man. Because lack of them make him nothing.

While we're ostensibly doling them out to hungry men, really, they go for women, too. Etiquette knows no gender.

On Matters Of Dating

1) Pay on the first date, unless your date insists otherwise (and forcefully). Yes, it’s old-fashioned, but it has nothing to do with gender roles. If you requested the pleasure of their company, then you should pay. Tell them they can pay next time. Itemizing the bill is code for "I’d like to remain single for the rest of my life".

2) Take the initiative in organizing the first date. Few things are less sexy than asking: “So, what do you fancy doing?”

3) Message first and say something specific pertaining to their profile. Not: “Nice rack”.

4) Treat service staff respectfully. Being rude to waiters and waitresses, even bad ones, is a dead giveaway that you are a despicable person and your date will notice.

5) Offer your date the seat with the best view.

6) Put your phone away.

On Matters Of Work

1) Don’t passive-aggressively CC somebody’s superior into an email chain. It’s the ultimate douche move (aside from BCCing). Even if you achieve your desired result, they will remember, and they will continue to make your life difficult in whatever way they can.

2) Don’t call people unless it’s really, genuinely urgent. Phoning someone is like walking into their office unannounced, putting your feet up on their desk and saying: “So, I just wanted to talk to you about ...” Whatever they’re in the middle of, you just interrupted it.

3) Return phone calls. If you don’t want to speak to them, email. Or ring back when you know they can’t answer.

4) Stand up when being introduced or when introducing yourself.

On Matters Of Manners

1) If the phone rings when you’re with somebody and you must answer it, finish the call as quickly as politely possible.

2) Offer your seat on public transport to women (pregnant or otherwise), small children, the elderly and anybody with a walking stick or crutches. Better yet, don’t take one in the first place. As a reasonably young, physically able man with two working legs, content yourself with the knowledge that you are lucky enough not to need one.

3) If you’re sitting in a priority seat, what’s wrong with you? If the answer is ‘nothing’, then get your ass up pronto. Staring at your newspaper or phone screen is not a valid excuse.

4) Hold the door open for women, men, children and anybody else just behind you who would be inconvenienced and possibly injured otherwise. But don’t hold it for them so far ahead that they feel pressured to walk faster. That’s not helpful, it’s awkward.

5) Don’t leave immediately, or in the middle of the night without saying goodbye.

On Matters In General

1) Bring something for the host. No! Buddy, your presence is not enough of a present.

2) Ask questions and listen to the answers instead of just waiting for your turn to speak. Being interested is the best way to be interesting.

3) Good hygiene. That is all.

4) You know that mate of yours who always pays up front for the five-a-side pitch rental or the stag do accommodation? Reimburse him promptly.

5) If you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t say it on social media.

6) Don’t lose your temper, publicly or privately. (See above). It’s not impressive. It doesn’t make you appear more dominant, or assertive, or like you have more testosterone. You just look like you can’t cope.